The Choices We Make
by McDreamyGirl
Summary: MerDer fic. About choices we make.....and how hard they are sometimes.


_**The Choices We Make…**_

_**This is one of the ways (of many) I think the first episode of Season 3 should be – well at least for Derek/Meredith/Finn/Addison.**_

_**Now remember guys I am the biggest Mer/Der fan so this will be a Mer/Der story, I just don't hate Addison so I won't make her character insufferable. **_

_**Needless to say I do not own these characters they just inspire me to write.**_

_**McDreamy Girl.**_

"Meredith." She heard Derek call out. He was looking at her so intently, with so much confusion, frustration and hurt, she did not know what to do. The emotions that he stirred in her – always, not just tonight – were still there. Fact was that she loved him but she couldn't have him. He was married and there was nothing she could do to change that, nothing. He needed to change that. He needed to make that choice, not her. She had given him the option of choosing her and she had put her pride aside and told him exactly how she felt. She had uttered: "I love you" first and he had still gone and chosen Addison. How was she supposed to feel right now? Happy that they had made love, ecstatic that she had finally been close to him again?

"Meredith." She then heard Finn call out. He was standing there -- so perfect -- so damn perfect. Of course his perfection was everything she wanted, everything she needed but did she want it from him? For so long she had been alone, pining over Derek, doing everything in her power to forget him and suddenly…enter Finn. He was so wonderful but her heart did not belong to him completely and she did not even know if it would ever be his. In spite of what happened tonight and how much she had missed being with Derek and making love to him, could she just turn her back on Finn and at a chance at real happiness? What about Derek though? Would she be so prideful as to not give him a chance to explain why he did the things he did and how he hurt her? Could she be that spiteful to him just because she had cried herself to sleep night after night for weeks while he had gone home to his wife?

They were both looking at her expectantly. They had glanced at each other just seconds before and Finn with his innocent look and his naïve outlook on the tumultuous relationship that she shared with Derek truly expected her to leave with him. On closer inspection, however, she saw, as he understood the heavy tension that was emanating from her and Derek. It was so noticeable that you could cut the tension with a knife. His face changed immediately as understanding started to hit him.

What was she going to do? In her life nothing had come easy for her and this was just another example of her being taunted by fate, destiny, whatever you chose to call it. In one hand she had a chance at true happiness with Finn but a happiness that might not be everything that she had dreamed of as a little girl. He had suffered so much, being a widower so young and finally moving on with her and he had said **_he had plans with her, plans with her! Plans that Derek and her never once had spoken of! _**

Could Derek offer her that? He was a taken man. A man who belonged to Addison but for a couple of minutes tonight he had belonged to her and he had wanted to be there with her and the way he had made love to her was a desperate cry for her to understand that even though he was taken, he needed and wanted her as well – it was amazing how much she understood his thoughts with just one stroke of his hand, with just one kiss from his lips. No words needed to be uttered. She just knew. Derek loved her. He was in a predicament but then again so was she! Her heart belonged to Derek, her soul belonged to him as well but just because that was true, it didn't mean that they were going to be together and happy. And if they weren't going to be together then didn't she deserve to take a chance with Finn?

She finally looked at Finn and immediately turned to look at Derek. Both of them were still looking at her expectantly and she closed her eyes in resignation. She had to make a choice right now. She couldn't just turn around and leave. That would be the coward's way out. That would be doing what she always did best: run. She was determined to stay and figure this out. As excruciatingly painful as this was – she needed to be strong and she needed to determine what path her life was going to take.

She breathed in and slowly let it out – she knew what needed to be done if she followed her heart – she needed to follow her heart: "Derek. Can you please give me a few moments with Finn?" she questioned. She turned to look at him and saw as his eyes light up for a moment then extinguish at the words that followed his name. He was upset that she had asked for time with Finn. "Please." She continued. "Just a minute." She looked at him pointedly trying to make him understand that she just needed to talk to him. Surely he could give her that much time after all she had to wait for him.

"Fine." He said curtly and did his best to smile. He turned to look at Finn one last time and made his way down the hallway. "I'll wait for you at the end of the hall." He said, as he brushed past her, touching her slightly. He would have brushed his fingers with hers if he had not been afraid that she would flinch away from him and that would kill him – after they had made love that would kill him. He itched to touch her one more time but he could not trust her to want his touch. It had been his fault he knew that but he hated this feeling.

Meredith nodded her head as she turned and looked him in the eye. God she wanted to be with him. So much. Yet here in front of her was Finn – this was enough to cry over. She put thoughts of Derek to the side and looked at Finn who stood motionless as she approached him. She had made her decision but it wasn't any less hard to wonder if her choice was going to be one she would be sorry down the line. Finn was wonderful but in your heart you did not love who your head told you to love – you unfortunately followed your heart.

"So he's the one that you have been pining over and thinking about?" Finn asked. "I should have known something was up when I saw the exchange between the two of you when I gave you Doc's diagnosis." He said as he looked at her intently, demanding her to finally tell him the truth. She was in love with Derek and it was so evident now that maybe he had just not wanted to see it and now it was clearer than water.

"Yes." She said, without hesitation. "Finn. I never meant for you to find out this way. Derek and I were together but then I found out he was married and Addison walked into our lives when I was sure that I was going to spend the rest of my life with Derek. Not that it's her fault; I mean they are still married. I actually told him to pick me, to love me but in the end he decided to stay with Addison." She said as she searched his face for some type of indication of what his feelings were. When she received none, she continued: "I was devastated. I was in love with a married man. I didn't know he was married but that didn't matter. In a fraction of a second my life had been turned upside down. So when he chose her, I decided to move on with my life and needless to say I made a lot of mistakes these past few months so when I met you I had promised myself that I was going to knit and not date. Period."

Finn smiled at that. He couldn't help it. She was a lost soul and he recognized that because he had been one for so long and maybe he still was. They were the best match in every way, but it seemed that her heart was taken and he could have died for that reason alone. It wasn't his time with her and possibly never would be. If this were any indication of the future, there was no doubt that she would end up with Derek.

"But then you came along and you were so wonderful. So understanding and so utterly beautiful, inside and out…with what seemed no problems, no attachments and no wife and I wondered why not give myself a chance. Why not?" she exclaimed as tears formed in her eyes. "You don't understand Finn how much it has cost me to try to reclaim my life without Derek. You don't understand how many tears I have cried because he is with her, he loves her and he didn't pick me. Even though I had reactions from him in the beginning of jealousy, he still was with her and then we had this huge fight and it was over – I just knew it was over. I was so angry, so hurt and so ready to be done with him that I wanted -- I still do actually -- to try to make it a go with you but I know that in my heart it wouldn't be fair to you, to Derek or myself." She finalized – in the end not knowing what she was going to do or if she still wanted to say goodbye to Finn. This was so hard. A few seconds ago she knew she wanted to be with Derek and was going to say goodbye to Finn but now…when he looked at her like that she did not want to hurt him.

"So you're saying." He finally said, after listening to her tirade. "That you want to start anew with me but you don't know if you can do that?" he questioned. "You don't know if you want to risk your heart again with Derek?" he questioned.

Meredith looked at him and her gaze never wavered from his. "I would love to try to give it a go with you Finn. I would love to…" she said and was surprised by his interruption. "But you can't." Finn finished for her. He then continued: "Are you going back to him?" Finn asked. "I think that you have to do that Meredith because if you don't then you will never know if this thing that you have with him – whatever it is – is the real deal. You will never have closure and you will never be able to move on – with me or anyone else."

"I don't know." Meredith answered honestly. "What I do know is that it's not fair to string you along and tell you that I will give it a go when my whole heart is not in it. When part of my heart is still with him." She said, as she turned and looked at Derek standing at the end of the hall pacing nervously. She knew him well enough to know that he was nervous about what he she was going to do.

Derek felt her gaze on him and he immediately turned to look at her. What was she telling Finn? After what they had done, after making love to her he knew now more than ever that he was not going to be able to let go of her. He needed her like he needed air to breathe. She was telling him that he did not let her breathe well that was good because as far as he was concerned he had stopped breathing the moment that he let her walk out of his life. Meredith was his air so they were even.

He had tried to make it a go with Addison and he had been as truthful as he could be with Meredith when he yelled that he would rather be looking at his wife, that he felt normal with her that he didn't make her crazy that he didn't feel like killing his damn vet and he still felt like killing him – still! But what kind of life would that be – for all of them. His responsibilities, his obligations and his moral compass is what made him stay with Addison and part of him wanted to know if he was still in love with her. Now it seemed that he wasn't. Actually he knew that he wasn't.

They had shared so much love in their marriage that he felt that forgetting her and to stop loving her was merely impossible. The problem was that he had found love in someone else and he needed to face the consequences of those actions. He turned back to see Meredith and Finn still deep in conversation. How long was she going to take? The not knowing was driving him insane.

"I know I can make you happy Meredith." Finn stated. "We are so alike it is unreal and while I have not known you long enough I can tell you that I want to get to know you and I can give you so much more than he can. Is he even leaving his wife? Don't you deserve better? But again I can tell you all this till I am blue in the face but until you see it with your own eyes it will be for naught." He finalized, realizing that he needed to let her go.

Meredith smiled as she reached out and stroked his arm gently. "I might deserve a lot better but you know what you never get to choose the person that you fall in love with Finn and I do love him and I do know that I like you and I would love to see where this is heading if…" she stopped but decided for Finn's benefit to finalize it: "…I knew for a fact that I was strong enough to say no to Derek and mean it."

Finn nodded his head. He had risked and it seemed he had lost. "Meredith you are an extraordinary woman and any man, I mean any man, would be lucky to have you. I understand that you can't be with me and I accept it. I just hope that Derek realizes the type of woman you are and that he gives you the place that you deserve." Finn said, as he leaned in and kissed her cheek tenderly. "I will be waiting for you to call me. I know that you might not but I will still be waiting."

Meredith nodded her head and saw him leave. She saw him get in the elevator and no sooner than the doors were closed she felt Derek behind her and felt his hand automatically go to her back and then around her waist. "You okay?" he questioned as he inched her closer to him. He really didn't want to know if the vet was okay or if he had been devastated. What he wanted to know -- no what he needed to know -- was if she had told him that she couldn't see him anymore. It was selfish, it was childish, it was immature but that is what he was wanted to know.

"Yeah." She said. "He's gone." She said as she turned to him with tears in her eyes. "Why Derek, why do I let you do this to me? Why?" she questioned as she started walking down the hall to a chair to sit down without waiting for him to answer her. She needed to sit down.

"What? What do I do to you? Tell me." Derek said. "Tell me what it is that I do that drives you so crazy because you know what…I can tell you what you do to drive me crazy. Huh? Why don't we start with that?" Derek said and at her nod of the head he continued. "The way you look at me when you don't want to look at me -- the way you glance at me and then promptly turn away before you think I notice. That drives me nuts. Because all I want to do is take you inside an exam room, rip your clothes off and have hot, passionate sex with you." He said, as he sat down next to her and inched his head next to hers. "The way we did today." He heard her laugh lightly and it propelled him to continue: "Let's see what else? Oh yeah…the way that you laugh when you think I am not watching you. When you're with the other interns and they crack a joke or say something amusing – you throw your head back and smile from ear to ear but the most beautiful thing about that is the way your eyes light up when you're laughing and looking happy. I want to be the one bringing that smile to your face. I used to be the one that did that Meredith and it drives me crazy that I can't bring that type of happiness in your life anymore. Can you tell me the last time that you and I were together and we actually laughed out loud and had tears streaming down our faces because we were laughing so hard?" he questioned.

"I can't." Meredith answered honestly. "But we did have good times didn't we?" she asked. "We did." He concurred. However, he wanted to talk about her driving him crazy because there was so much more that he needed to tell her. He was on a roll. Besides she had indicated that she wanted him to explain to her why she drove him crazy.

"How about the way you drive me crazy when you ignore me, when you're mad at me, when you shoot daggers at me with your gaze and the way that I know that I hurt you every time you see me with Addison?" he questioned. "I don't want to hurt you Meredith and maybe if I were more of a man I would let you go but honey I can't. I can't just let you go. I need to at least see you, watch you like you say. I need to watch you to feel alive." Derek finalized as he caressed her hair and lightly kissed her cheek, closer to her mouth than her upper cheek. He was aching to feel her lips on his.

Meredith started: "You want to know what makes me stop breathing…well besides what I told you before. Not knowing how you feel about me. Not knowing if you're happy with your wife or not. Knowing by the way that you look day in and day out that you are not as happy and go lucky as you were when you were with me and while that should make me happy, it doesn't Derek because I know you and you are a wonderful person and you deserve to be happy and you need to be happy. I want you to be happy." She said, as her hand automatically went to stroke his face. "I hate the fact that you can make me so mad one minute…so mad that I hate you -- truly hate you -- and then a second later all I want to do is hold you and touch you and kiss you and hope that you will take me in your eyes and make love to me because the pain of not having you inside me is more than I can bare." She confessed as she hugged him to her, tightly and let the tears flow from her face. "You have no idea how much I have missed you. How much I have needed you. How much your face haunts me at night."

Derek closed his eyes as he felt tears prickle them. He couldn't believe that she had told him what she was feeling. Just like that – after all the insults, after all the emotions kept secret between them she right now had opened the lines of communication by baring her heart to him and he loved her all the more for it. "Do you have any idea how much I love you?" he asked, as he broke away from her. "In the stairwell a couple of days ago I was such a bastard and it wasn't that I really felt that you were a whore, I never called you that but I know that I implied it but you were killing me with jealousy, you were killing me every time I saw you in my mind in his shirt." Derek defended. "I'm sorry about what I said. I'm sorry I hurt you but honey never, never…" he said, as he cupped her face with his head and pulled it up to his face… "Never think that I stopped loving you." He said before he bent down slightly and kissed her passionately.

After the kiss subsided a bit, she said in between pecks: You had never told me that you loved me before." Meredith pointed out. "So sorry if I'm a bit taken aback with you telling me right now after all we have been through."

"I know that I should have told you before. It's just that the time was never right and when I knew that I loved you, it was too late to voice it to you and it wouldn't of been fair if I had told you after I had chosen Addison." He said, as he lowered his gaze. "But you have to know that not for one day did you leave my mind and I promise you I tried, I tried so hard to stop loving you and I just couldn't." he said as he stood up and started to pace the floor. "My head told me to forget about you and to really give it a go with my wife and we tried everything we even went to therapy. I told her that I would give you up, that I would not talk to you and I couldn't – not even in the beginning and then around Christmas time I confessed to her that you had not been a fling, that I had actually fallen in love with you. I can't believe that I told her I loved you before I told you but how could I tell you when I had hurt you more than maybe anyone had ever hurt you?" Derek said as he ran his hand through his hair.

"What made you want to stay with her?" she questioned. She knew that Derek had a very strong moral compass and maybe it had been his intention to stay because of that but would the same compass make him see that he was inflicting pain instead of the morally right thing to do?

"I stayed because I could not believe that the love that I had felt for her one day would all be gone. I knew I had strong feelings for you but Addison and I had for so long been one. I chose not to believe that my love for her could ever end because what kind of person would that make me?" Derek said as he turned to look at her. "A terrible person." He said out loud.

"No. It makes you the type of person who moves on when someone betrays them. I don't know Derek. I mean come on she slept with your best friend so I assumed that had to feel like someone stabbed you in the heart and I know, I know that you are a kind person but she betrayed you." She started and closed her eyes as she continued: "But then I met her and I really tried to hate her, I mean really tried Derek and at the beginning I did. However, once I let you go or at least tried to let you go and I saw that she seemed genuinely sorry for what she did I didn't hate her so much. I guess she has that impact on everyone. She's really likeable." Meredith pointed out. "So I guess my question now is can you let her go now or are you going to let me go and tell me that this thing that happened between us was our closure?"

Derek knelt in front of her and cupped her face with his hands. "No closure. From today we move forward. I will talk to Addison. I think she knows that we are through – especially after our fight. Yeah. The one you heard."

"Okay." Meredith said and then cupped his face with both of her hands. "I am only telling you this once and I do not want to hear about it again. I did not sleep with Finn. The night you saw me in his shirt we had just been back from birthing a pony. Yes, Derek, don't look at me like that. Not once have I slept with Finn." She said.

Derek looked at her as tears filled his eyes. He hugged her to him and said slowly: "I'm so sorry Meredith – so sorry. I never meant to hurt you when I suggested you slept around. I feel terrible. I don't know what got into me. You should hate me. I hate myself. I wanted to hurt you as much as I was hurting and I needed to see that hurt in your eyes. I'm a terrible, terrible…"

"Shush." She said, as tears were streaming down her cheeks. "I forgive you. That's what people do when they are in love, they fight and make up; I forgive you Derek. Because I love you and because you love me…I forgive you."

Derek looked into her eyes and saw the love that he felt for her reflected back onto him. Who knew what tomorrow would bring. Addison and him divorcing, fighting and him finally admitting to her, to Meredith and to himself that the only woman for him was Meredith. That's what tomorrow would bring but for now, for this instant, he was going to kiss the woman he loved, no matter who bared witness.

"I love you." He said, before he kissed her.


End file.
